


a study in sciamachy

by kozumekenza



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Background Relationships, Depression, Everyone has a mental illness, Insecure Miya Atsumu, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Post-Time Skip, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, SakuAtsu, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, Social Anxiety, Spoilers for manga, Suicidal Thoughts, sakusa kiyoomi is trying his best, spoilers for timeskip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:22:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozumekenza/pseuds/kozumekenza
Summary: sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your own shadowAtsumu Miya and Kiyoomi Sakusa have more in common than they thought.TW: mental illness, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, depression, insecuritiesPlease please please look out for trigger warnings on individual chapters.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	a study in sciamachy

**Author's Note:**

> well this is my first written haikyuu fanfic, I'm not sure if anyone will even see this, but if you do, I hope you like it! this fic is heavily inspired by my own personal experiences with mental illness, so it's pretty special to me. remember that not everyone experiences mental illness in the same way, and to reach out if you are having trouble. 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr: @kozumekenza
> 
> TW for this chapter: anxiety, insecurities, panic attacks

Atsumu Miya is used to early mornings and late nights. He always knew that living the life of a professional volleyball player wouldn't be easy, but it doesn't phase him, or at least that's what he tells himself as he stumbles out of bed. He makes his way to the kitchen, where he finds Osamu already awake, eating an omelet and looking at Atsumu with a smirk, telling him he must look as shitty as he feels. Osamu opens his mouth to speak, but Atsumu cuts him off with a glare, to which Osamu replies with "I was just going to offer breakfast and coffee," and suddenly, Osamu is Atsumu's favorite person in the entire universe. Atsumu tells him as much, as his brother pushes a plate and a cup to him. They eat in silence, but when Atsumu stands to go shower and change, Osamu stops him. "Have you been taking your meds?" The question comes off as caring, but it roots Atsumu in place. "Yes," he replies, trying to keep his tone neutral, "but I'm going back to the doctor at the end of the week. The dosage still isn't quite right." Osamu nods solemnly, and looks ready to ask another question, but Atsumu quickly pushes past him to the bathroom. 

His family had noticed from a young age that Atsumu's carefree attitude wasn't his true personality. Of course, Osamu was the first to notice something was amiss, and of course, he had to tell their parents. Ever since then, it's been a constant stream of therapists and counselors, psychologists and behavior specialists, all ending with the same conclusion: there's really nothing he can do but live with it. It was only recently that he decided to try medication, a few months, exactly, but he was still having issues finding the right combination and dosage of medicine that would make his constant anxiety and moods go away. Now, he's regretting waiting so long to try medication. He hadn't wanted to at first, because he's an athlete and didn't want to take anything that could affect that, but after an alarming scuffle involving a rooftop, a fistfight, and a PR nightmare at the end of last season, he hadn't had much of a choice. It was either get his act together, or he was off the team. Initially, he had been pissed, and rightfully so, because it wasn't his fault he had mental illnesses that led to him having oscillating moods and making reckless decisions, but after a long, draining conversation with the team captain, lead athletic trainer, and his brother, he knew that he needed to do something to get it under control. Which led him to now, standing under a steaming spray of water, wondering if he couldn't sleep last night because he was excited about it being the first official day of the season, or if it was because of the meds. He shut the water off and quickly got dressed, throwing his spare clothes and shoes into his team duffel. Atsumu rushed to the door, trying to avoid Osamu as he shouted a goodbye, but he was stopped by a bottle nailing him in the back of the head. "You need to take them with you. It's the first day of a new season, you have a new teammate, and it's gonna be a long day. You'd regret it if you needed them and didn't have them." "Yeah, yeah," Atsumu muttered, hand rubbing the back of his head as he picked up the orange bottle, "see you later 'Samu." He shoved the bottle in his duffel and slung it over his shoulder, closing the front door. 

The walk to the training facility was quick, and Atsumu even had time to stop at his favorite coffee shop. He was forever grateful for the fact that he and Osamu had chosen an apartment close to both Osamu's onigiri shop and MSBY's training facility. It worked out extremely well; whenever Atsumu's team had a break, they invaded Osamu's shop, and Atsumu could easily walk home for a mid-day nap on 16-hour training days. He was thankful that he had a few weeks before *those* started up again, they were a living hell and were usually back-to-back for a week straight. Bokuto always insisted on going out and getting wasted to "celebrate" the week being over, and Atsumu was always dragged along with him and Hinata, when all he really wanted to do was go home, take an ice bath followed by a hot shower, and sleep for days. 

Atsumu pushed open the doors to the training facility and made his way to the locker room. He was an hour early, but he needed to speak to Iwaizumi before the day started. He was giving the trainer weekly updates on the medication situation, and needed Iwaizumi to send a request to the team's psychiatrist to visit practice on Friday before the game to discuss the meds. Atsumu opened his locker and began to change, trading his scuffed Vans and team jacket for gym shoes and a practice jersey. He loved being first into the locker room in the mornings. It gave him a sense of peace to be able to take his time getting ready with no one else around. He loved not having to worry about the chaos that came with Bokuto and Hinata in the mornings, he loved the silence of the locker room before he put in his Airpods and cranked the volume to his music, he loved being able to sit and think on the day ahead without anyone to bother him. He was at that part of his routine now, sitting on the bench adjacent to his locker, eyes closed, head tipped back, hands on his knees, and music up to an ungodly volume. He knew today was going to be a bit more difficult than normal; the first day of the official season always was. He had been attending the off-season practices with Bokuto, but it couldn't compare to having the team all together again. Hinata had taken the off-season off to play beach volleyball in Brazil with Kageyama, and several others had taken off for vacations or family time. Atsumu also knew they were getting a new outside hitter, which would mean adjusting to a whole new teammate, along with worrying about if any of their other spikers had made any alterations over the off-season. Suddenly, Atsumu was incredibly thankful that Osamu made him take the "emergency only" meds. Today was going to be _rough_. 

Atsumu opened his eyes to find dark eyes staring into his own. He yelped and fell backwards off the bench. There was someone in the locker room, and it wasn't one of his teammates that he recognized. The man was leaning against the adjacent lockers, arms crossed, and looking incredibly displeased. Atsumu clumsily shoved his Airpods into their case and stood. "Who the hell are you? Why were you watching me? How long were you watching me for?" Atsumu's words came out rushed, and he mentally cursed himself. He tried not to make a habit of embarrassing himself in front of strangers. The man quirked a brow at Atsumu's antics. "Sakusa. Your new outside hitter. And I only got here five minutes ago. I was trying to figure out the best way to ask you to turn your music down without touching you." Atsumu tilted his head. He didn't think there was anything wrong with someone touching him, but now that he actually looked at the guy, he was wearing gloves and a mask. "O-kay, well I'm Atsumu, the setter, and I'll be leaving now." Atsumu brushed by Sakusa and tried not to think about what this guy was going to think about him sitting deep in thought by himself in the locker room. He prayed that Sakusa wouldn't mention it to anyone else. He wasn't necessarily ashamed of his mental illness, but most of the team didn't know about it, and he wanted to keep it that way. He wasn't sure that - _shit_. Atsumu had left his locker wide open, and his pill bottle was sitting on the shelf right out in the open. He heaved a sigh and turned around to go back to his locker. Sakusa was still there, fiddling with something in his bag. Atsumu kept his head down as he reached into the locker to grab the bottle, but it slipped out of his hand before he could shove it back in his duffel. "Shit." The bottle rolled across the floor, stopping at Sakusa's foot. Atsumu averted his eyes as Sakusa picked it up and tossed it to him. Atsumu muttered his thanks and put the bottle into one of the duffel pockets, shutting the locker when he was done. He stood for a second, trying to think of the best way to guarantee Sakusa's silence. Sakusa glanced over with cold eyes. "Did you need something?" Atsumu nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Um, well, c-could you maybe not mention this to anyone else? I'm sorry." Sakusa's expression softened marginally. "Don't worry about it," Sakusa shouldered his bag and started to walk away, "I get it." Atsumu instantly felt the tension leave his body. He wasn't quite sure what his new teammate meant by "I get it", but Atsumu wasn't going to ask. He was just glad Sakusa wasn't going to say anything. With another sigh, Atsumu left the locker room and headed upstairs to Iwaizumi's office. 

After a short conversation, Iwaizumi promised to send a request to the psychiatrist. With that done and thirty minutes until practice officially started, Atsumu headed to the court. He figured the coach would start on the court to do his official start-of-the-season speech. While he waited for the rest of his teammates to file in, Atsumu began stretching. He hadn't seen Sakusa since the locker room incident, and he was thankful. It was already awkward enough now that Sakusa most likely knew what was wrong with him, and Atsumu didn't need any other tricky encounters today. 

Hinata bounced onto the court and immediately launched into an extremely detailed account of his trip with Kageyama. Apparently, they somehow managed to catch up with Oikawa while there, much to Kageyama's dismay. Bokuto flew in next, lifting Hinata off his feet into a crushing hug. Atsumu was next, and he cringed as the air left his lungs. "Damn, Bo, put me down. You're crushing me!" Atsumu wriggled in Bokuto's strong grip until he finally let go, resulting in Atsumu landing ungracefully on his ass for the second time that morning. Sakusa chose that moment to walk in, and Atsumu quickly stood up, trying to avoid his new teammate seeing him on his ass again. Bokuto's attention was quickly diverted to Sakusa, and Atsumu stifled a laugh as he watched Sakusa try to avoid Bokuto and Hinata's antics. The rest of MSBY shuffled in soon after, with the coach being the last in. He called everyone to the bleachers and launched into his monologue, introducing Sakusa and going through his expectations for the upcoming season. 

Afterward, the team launched directly into training. Their first game was on Friday, and they couldn't afford to waste any time. The first half of the day was spent on weight training and cardio, and when lunch finally rolled around, Atsumu was exhausted. He ate his packed bento with Hinata and Bokuto and quickly excused himself to the locker room. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with how the morning went, but Atsumu was aching for a moment alone after being thrown back into the chaos of team training. He made his way to his locker, hoping to grab his Airpods and one of those coloring books his therapist had given him, but stopped short when he saw Sakusa. He was clutching the sides of the sink, eyes downcast, and he looked to be breathing heavily. Atsumu knew what panic attacks looked like, and this was pretty damn similar. "Sakusa?" he called wearily, hoping not to scare the other man. Sakusa looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. He had his mask back on, but his red-rimmed eyes showed sheer terror. This must have been what Sakusa meant by "I get it" earlier. Atsumu grabbed an unopened water bottle and approached Sakusa slowly. "Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?" he held out the water, "Here, drink some water, it might make you feel better." Sakusa grabbed the bottle and downed half of it. "I'm fine, thanks. Sorry to inconvenience you." Atsumu shook his head, "It's no problem." Truthfully, Atsumu just wanted to make sure Sakusa was okay. He wasn't quite sure if it was because they were teammates and it was the right thing to do, or if it was because of Sakusa's expression earlier that morning. "Well, I'll leave you be. If you need anything, just let me know." With that, Atsumu left the locker room, Airpods and coloring book completely forgotten. 

He wandered the halls of the training center with his remaining break time. Sakusa was probably just nervous. This was his first day with a pro team, after all. And it wasn't any of Atsumu's business. Sakusa didn't seem like the type to open up to anyone, and Atsumu could respect that, even if the man was somewhat intriguing. Atsumu had yet to set for him, but from what he saw during morning training, Sakusa was very strong and had extreme power. He was definitely going to be a force to be reckoned with on the court, and as a setter, it was Atsumu's job to make sure his spikers were on top of their game. He chalked up his curiosity to being just that. It was natural to be worried about his teammates, even if it was their first day and he didn't have any real connections to them. 

///

The rest of the day went fairly smoothly for the team as a whole, all things considered. The second half of the day was spent scrimmaging, and there was bound to be some confusion. Atsumu was feeling great about it until halfway through the sixth set, when they switched the teams around. Atsumu ended up on a team with one of the seasoned benchwarmers who had a tendency to piss him off. Everything was fine until Atsumu sent a (perfect) set his way, and he completely missed his spike. If it was anyone else, they probably would've shaken it off and Atsumu would've offered to adjust his set for them. However, that was not the case with this guy. He landed, an irritated expression on his face, and turned to Atsumu. Atsumu started his spiel about offering to adjust the set, but the guy cut him off. "I can't believe you. You never do anything fucking right. You're the reason I don't get playing time, you refuse to adjust your sets for me! You just come out here and expect the whole team to adapt to you! You're a selfish, arrogant asshole who doesn't understand the first thing about teamwork!" Atsumu stiffened at the guy's words, and the rest of the gym fell silent. It wasn't the first time this guy had yelled at him, but it didn't get easier over time. Atsumu bowed his head and stared at his feet, begging himself not to cry. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. Atsumu could feel the guy get closer. "What did you say to me?" He pushed Atsumu's shoulder. Atsumu stumbled a few steps backward, running into Bokuto, who steadied him. "I just said I was sorry, that's all. I'll work on it." That was really all Atsumu could say. He knew that there was nothing wrong with the set, the guy was just being an asshole, but his heart still sank with the weight of the words. The coach called practice to an end, asking the guy to stay behind and sending everyone else off. Atsumu went through his after-practice routine robotically, showering and getting dressed and grabbing his stuff without paying much attention to what was going on around him. He heard Bokuto and Hinata reassuring him, but Atsumu just shrugged and left. He was not blind, however, to the way Sakusa stared at him after the benchwarmer's rant. 

Atsumu let the tears fall as he walked home. He didn't care how he looked to the people around him, he just wanted to get home to the apartment and cry to Osamu while he made dinner for them. Atsumu had never been great at keeping his feelings hidden, but he tried so hard when he was around other people. He didn't want his friends and teammates to know that simple words had such a strong effect on him, and he was usually pretty good at hiding it with a practiced smile or laugh. Atsumu knew that his insecurities didn't really make much sense. Why should he worry about his volleyball skills when he was literally a V-League setter? He had no clue, he just knew that he worried anyway. 

Atsumu unlocked the apartment and stepped inside, dropping his bag on the floor. Osamu wasn't home yet, so it must be a busy night at the restaurant. Atsumu thought about going to the shop for dinner and to see Osamu, but he really just wanted to stay in. He filled the bathtub and dropped some Epsom salts in, then microwaved some leftovers while he was waiting. He gathered his sweaty practice clothes and threw them in the washer, then collected some pajamas for after his bath. Atsumu grabbed his leftovers from the microwave, set up some music, and sunk into the warm water. His shoulders were absolutely killing him after today.

As he ate and soaked, Atsumu's thoughts wandered. He would have to do better at practice tomorrow to make up for today's disaster. He knew that in reality, it wasn't his fault, but that didn't stop the guilt he felt. He hoped that none of his teammates really noticed him being yelled at, but he knew that everyone saw it. _God, how embarrassing._ Atsumu's mind continued a similar train of thought as he finished his bath. He stumbled to his room, mind still in hyperdrive, and collapsed on his bed. 

Osamu still wasn't home, today _sucked_ , and Atsumu was still crying. 

He fell into a dreamless, tear-induced sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! updates are gonna be very irregular cuz college and my other works on tumblr. let me know what you think so far!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr: @kozumekenza


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